Looking Forward, Looking Back
by Chaotic Serenity
Summary: A week before her wedding day, Miaka reflects on all that's happened and remembers those who helped her along. Mild spoilers for series.


_Author's Notes:_ Hmm...how exactly did Miaka feel right before her wedding day? Set right before the beginning of the third OAV as Miaka looks at the stars.

**Warnings:** Nothing really, mentions of major character deaths.

**Spoilers:** Most of the series. 

Obligatory Disclaimer: I own no part of Miaka, Tamahome, Yui, or any other characters mentioned in this story.

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Looking Forward, Looking Back

  
I tuck the corners of my bed spread in tightly, smoothing out the comforter so that it looks like something out of a doll house. No, my room was never actually this clean when I was younger, but as this is the last week I'll be living with my mother, I figured I may as well make leave it looking nice.   
I turn to my bureau, grabbing the duster from the floor and sweeping it over the dusty wood. After I found Tamahome, well, Taka in this world, I haven't spent much time in this room anymore. I was usually at his apartment, catching up with him on things past, reminiscing those who had come and gone, and (blush) discovering a little more about each other in the now.   
Thinking about Taka brings me back to the days before I found him, when I had returned to this world with Yui, when he had no longer been by my side. Those were the dark times of my life, the days where I could hardly bring myself to wake up in the morning. After all, what worth was there to face the dawn without Tamahome by my side?   
I think it was Yui who first dragged me out of the house. Yui reminded me what we had left, what we had gained. She and I had learned so much...and it wasn't until she bothered to slap me upside my head with own science book and reminded me of such a thing that I realized just how much I really did have left. For one, I had her again. The both of us had matured to the point where we truly could never be split apart again. Though the book tore us apart, it also taught us a thing or two about loyalty and friendship.   
Regretfully, I haven't spent much time with Yui these past few months. She's been with Tetsuya, and I've been...preparing for my wedding.   
My wedding.   
The phrase echoes through my mind softly, reminding me of just how much my life has come full circle.   
Dropping the feather duster near my closet, I open the doors and gasp again at the gown my mother chose for me. Mom and I don't agree on very many things, but this was one that neither of us could find fault in. The dress is nothing special--as Taka doesn't have much money, and I'm too young and inexperienced to hold a job--but it's perfect nevertheless. The white silk is so soft and smooth, and the white flowers are so pretty. I just know Taka's going to love me in it.   
I giggle nervously at the thought, carefully removing the dress from the hanger and setting it on my bed. Amazing how I could still be so shy for something I've waited a lifetime for. I retrieve the box containing the veil from the closet, pulling it out and observing it. Shyly, I put it on, fitting it over my hair before glancing at myself in the mirror.   
I look so silly, wearing a red-patterned sundress with a bride's white veil on. Again I laugh, but this time it's not quite as nervous. I sincerely do look silly.   
Right now, if they were with me, Nuriko would chuckle and make some comment. Hotohori would comment on how pretty I was no matter what I wore. Tasuki would probably make some obscene comment, though I know he would mean well. Mitsukake and Chiriko wouldn't have much to say, just look on, smile, and nod, though Mitsukake may have looked slightly sad, thinking about Miss Shoka. And Tamahome...he would wrap his arms around me and say how he can't wait to make me his bride. No wait, that's right. He'd be waiting for me out there on the aisle, nervously shifting back and forth, possibly imagining just how much he could sell his golden shirt cuffs for.   
And then...then I would smile and thank them all for being here with me at this moment, for being here on the happiest day of my life, for watching me go down the aisle and being happy for me, even if it it saddened them to watch me.   
Abruptly, I take off the veil. I sit it down next to the dress, and I gaze at it for a few minutes.   
A week from now, I'm going to be a happily married woman, for better or worse.   
One week. I spent less time in the book.   
Yet from what I enjoyed and suffered in the Universe of the Four Gods I have now built my universe on. Yui and I are even closer than before, I found the strength in myself to pass the high school exams, and I found...I found Tamahome. Or at least his reincarnation anyway. Not that there's any difference between the two; they are both the essence of the man I fell in love with.   
Pushing back my hair, I walk over to my window and pull open the shudder, gazing out into the darkening night sky. As the sun sets, the stars are slowly becoming clearer.   
It's amazing how the sun has to set before we can see clearly again.   
I continue to look out my window, studying the skies, and I think to a night only a few days ago when Taka and I were walking in the nearby park. He had taken me out a date, our last one before our wedding, and we had been discussing plans for the future. I wanted children, so did he. He wanted to be financially secure (no surprise), and I told him I would stick by his side through poverty and success. He wanted to make me the happiest woman in the world; I told him I already was.   
As we walked, our conversation eventually turned to those we had left behind, of the people we loved who couldn't be there to share in the happiness of the greatest day of our lives, of Tasuki and Chichiri, whose fates we could never be sure of now that we had been left in our world.   
I remember looking at the stars, watching them shimmer brightly in the night sky. I remember holding his hand and pointing out the seven constellations of Suzaku and even a few of Seiryuu.   
Hotohori, Nuriko, Chiriko, Mitsukake, Tasuki, Chichiri, and Tamahome. Names forever burned into my mind.   
I smile, in turn, at the memory of each and of what they taught me.   
First we had spoken of Mitsukake and Chiriko. We talked about how, regretfully, we had never gotten to know them as well as the others. How their courage impressed us all. How we missed them.   
Then we spoke of Hotohori, of his beauty and loyalty. We laughed gently at the love triangle we had for a while and frowned at the bitterness that had first arisen from it. I told Taka of how Hotohori had comforted me after his attack, yet how I could never leave him for Hotohori, as much as I did love the emperor in my own way.   
There was laughter for Tasuki. Hotheaded and stubborn as he was, he brought us so much joy and happiness. Wherever he is, I hope he's as happy as I am.   
The two of us recalled Chichiri as the silent leader of the seven of us. The Suzaku had never had a true commander, but I always felt as though we could have relied on Chichiri had the need ever came. He understood people like nobody else I ever met. Chichiri always knew the right words to say, even in the most painful of situations. Sometimes I wish I still had his wisdom to guide me...no da.   
When we came to Nuriko, we had fallen silent, the tears rising to our eyes even so many years later. Nuriko, proud and strong, silly and queer. Nuriko, my friend, my enemy, my beloved, the person who had taught me the most through everything we went through. I remember grasping Taka's hand, tightly wrapping my fingers around mine as we spoke hesitantly of our friend, fighting the tears that still came so easily.   
I pause now, clutching the hem of the dress carefully. Nuriko's death...I didn't want to believe it when he first passed on. I wanted to think it was all some bad dream, that the story were we living would hand us some plot twist that would bring Nuriko back.   
But as the reality sank in, so did the knowledge that I had to move on. These were people that had fought and died for me, and I could do no less than continue on for the sake of their memories.   
After we had relived the joy of our own warriors, Taka and I hesitantly moved on to the Seiryuu. We spoke first of Amiboshi, of how we regretted that fate had placed him in such a compromising position as both our enemy and friend. But in the end, he proved that not even fate could pull friends apart.   
We moved through each warrior silently, as of most of what we knew came from the bare facts we gleaned from Yui. I sympathized with Soi, shuddered at the memory of Tomo, sighed and tightened my hold on Taka's hand at that of Suboshi, fought the tears that came at that of Ashitare, clenched my fists in anger at Miboshi, and for Nakago...   
Though Taka had never fully revealed to the rest of us what he had seen when he plunged his hand through Nakago's chest, the way he turned pained, unsettled eyes from me when I questioned him answered enough for me to realize that perhaps Nakago had been the way he was for a reason. Maybe he deserved a bit of sympathy along with the bitterness we bore for him.   
I look down now and realize that I'm clutching the hem of my dress again. Releasing it, I quickly smooth out the wrinkles, hoping I didn't do any noticeable damage; now is not really the time for me to be pulling one of my old stunts.   
I hang the dress back up, closing the closet and fixing the comforter again. But I leave the veil out. I want to see myself wearing it one last time.   
Pulling it over my hair again, I look at myself in the mirror, telling myself I'm beautiful even with the mismatched sundress I'm wearing. I tell myself that if my protectors were here, they would be happy for me. They would laugh and comment on how silly I was being for being nervous about marrying Taka.   
If they were here.   
Turning my eyes to the window, I realize just how late it's gotten. The stars are now out, and Suzaku's seven seem brighter than ever.   
Tasuki, Chichiri, Nuriko, Hotohori, Chiriko, Mitsukake...Are you watching over me even now?   
I turn back to the mirror and mess with my hair. The more we live, the more we learn. Chiriko said that to me shortly after Nuriko's death. Though I had been too saddened at the time to realize the truth behind his words, now I know what he meant.   
Journeying through the book was one learning experience for me. I lived and died a lifetime in there, and I will live and die in another here.   
In one week, my new life with Taka will begin, and I will have left my days of a school girl behind. In one week, I will attend an event that will be the culmination of everything they have taught me.   
So, you guys, are you watching me now? Are you smiling as I dance around in a sundress in veil?...Are you proud of me?   
Reaching for the picture of the seven of us together, I gently touch the frame, running my fingers over the image almost reverently. In the span of only a few hours, I lived a thousand lifetimes with these people, learned more than a thousand books could ever show me. They gave me compassion; they gave me love; they gave me _life_.   
My mother's calling me now, so I take off the veil and place it in the box where I found it. I grab my things, picking up the various cleaning items I've left on the floor, making my way out of the room to my mother.   
At the last moment, though, I pause look over the room I spent most of my youth in. And then I smile as my eyes fall upon the open windows where the stars shining.   
The others were wrong. The story never ends when you turn the last page of the book. This is what I want, what I've always dreamed about. And I know that my protectors are watching over me, making sure those dreams come true.   
Nuriko, Hotohori, Chiriko, Mitsukake, Tasuki, Chichiri, and Tamahome: Thank you. For everything.   


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**Final Notes From the Author**   
I imagine the months winding down to her marriage must have been rather tough for Miaka. Consider how much that joining symbolized and just how much she and Tamahome had gone through. It's quite a load of emotions to handle all at once, so I wrote this fic as an attempt to enter Miaka's mind about a week before it all occurred. ^_^ I do hope it's in character, but more so, I hope you enjoyed it. ^_^ Thank you for reading! 


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